We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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