So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
