It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
