Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
