Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
