cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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