do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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