New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
