Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
