I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
