I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
