I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
