Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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