Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
