Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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