Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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