it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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