the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
