I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
