Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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