I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
