rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
