You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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