So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
