Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
