Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
