please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
