Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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