He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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