The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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