I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
