I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
