Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
