its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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