Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
