Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
