I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
