mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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