Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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