Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
