I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
