pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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