Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
