Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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