I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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