You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
