I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
