I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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