Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
