I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
