Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You are the jesus of drinking
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
