i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
