I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
