so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
