I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
