last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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