it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
