fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we're making bets on your personal life
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
