I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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