imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
