Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
