can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
