After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
