I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
