Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
