She said her name was "party"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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