Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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