Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize