I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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