Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
