cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize