someone threw a dead crab at me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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